I just had the most awesome dream. It was really weird though. I dreamt that I had just finished with high school and that I was still wanting to go to a music conservatory, but that I hadn’t applied to any, mostly because I was scared I wouldn’t get in, and because I was (oddly) with my boyfriend Billy, and he was making the calls on where we were going after high school. Billy was the boyfriend I broke up with at the end of college, so it was kind of a weird dream.
It was crazy though… I was still walking around with my flute all the time, I was still torturing myself by thinking I wasn’t good enough for anything and that I had lost my skill, and I knew what my dreams were but I was too afraid to chase them, so I was leaning on the boyfriend to make my difficult decisions for me.
Honestly, that pretty much sums up how my end-of-high-school experience played out. I didn’t even apply for one music conservatory. I was afraid. I didn’t think I could make it, and even if I could I knew I would end up a poor musician after that, and that scared me to death. I loved music, but I killed any left with all my fears. By the end of my high-school experience it really did seem like I had lost my skill. I sucked. It was mental though… I had told myself so many times that I wasn’t good enough that it had begun to stick.
I find it interesting though that Billy was my boyfriend in my dream. In my dream, after coming home (to my parents old house) after the last day of high-school, year book and flute in hand, I had this conversation with Billy in my parents living room in our old house about which schools he had gotten accepted to. He was telling me that he hadn’t gotten accepted to any that were anywhere near any of the big music schools I wanted to go to. Basically, since I wasn’t strong enough to make up my own mind, he was telling me that I wasn’t going to a conservatory for music. That’s where the dream ended.
I find a lot of meaning in this dream. First of all, I guess I conquered myself in my dreams of being a great musician. I probably could have gone to a conservatory. I might have even enjoyed it. I was too scared though… but it wasn’t Billy that I followed. It was Jason, and yes, that is how I ended up at OSU. Basically, I gave up because I was scared. How sad. I see that now. Realizing this makes me wish I had my flute around.
The thing I find the most meaning in is the fact that, in my dream, Billy was the boy I was following and not Jason. This made me realize something… I didn’t make the same mistake twice. The end of college was much like the end of high-school… I felt lost and didn’t know what to do next. I even had the boyfriend who was more than pushy about making ‘our’ decisions for ‘us’. I could have easily done the same thing all over again… killed my dreams and followed someone else because I was too scared. …And really, I was quite scared… but I knew I wanted to do something with my life. At the beginning of February, 2006 I dumped Billy and started the application for the Peace Corps. Five months later I was in Benin, Africa. I didn’t follow the boy though… I followed a dream. For once in my life, I made a big decision.
This dream also made me realize a lot about my aproach to life: I’m a drifter. I’m so passive that I kind of just drift into the next part of my life. Joining the Peace Corps scared me stiffless… but it was the biggest and best decision I’ve made yet. Besides that though, I’ve done pretty well at drifting. I remind myself of a ride at the local water park back in Oklahoma. There was these ‘ride’ called The Renegades. You climbed all the way to the top of a hill with an intertube, sat in the intertube, then just drifted down by going from one pool to the next by a series of shutes. The shutes are the points where I could make decisions, but instead I just drift down into my next pool where I will swirl around for a while… and not really do anything life changing. The way I see it, joining the Peace Corps was the equivalent of putting my feat down (in the 3 ft deep pool) and walking back up to a different pool that I wanted to be in. The problem now is that I’m back to spinning around in my new pool (which should be ironically shaped like Africa for our analogy), waiting to go down the next shute again. What a waste!!! Maybe it’s time to get busy!!! Maybe it’s time to modify the pool a bit before I put my feet down and choose another, higher, pool. In other words, maybe it’s time to find some good work here in Africa. I want to get some projects started. I’m going to really get going now. I’m energized!!!
Another thing I’ve got to figure out though… what’s the next pool that I want to rebel upwards to? Maybe grad school??? Maybe ivy league, or at least a well known school?? What should I think of studying this time? I accept that my choice of a business degree for my undergrad was my admittance of defeat (in music) and lack of creativity. …I don’t know what to do though… yet. I’m going to find it though, and I’m going to work hard to struggle my way up to that next pool. I’m determined now to live a life worth living.
Another thing my dream has helped me realize: I am bad at being in relationships. Maybe it’s the guys I’ve chosen in the past, or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know and I’m not even going to bother trying to place that blame. But hey, Jason – if you’re reading this – you weren’t anywhere near the worst. Anyway, I realize now that I rely on relationships to much when I’m in them. Therefore, I’m abstaining from relationships for a long time. I don’t need one in any form until I’m done making my life-molding decisions. It’s better that way anyway. Instead of molding around a relationship I will mold around myslef, and then when I’m done I can choose a guy and confidently know that I’m who I want to be.
So! Todays a new day! What do I want to get started with first! I think I’ll start painting some world maps on the sides of school buildings this April. You wouldn’t believe how little people know of world geography… it’s just not really taught here. How can kids dream the world over if they don’t know what it looks like??? … Besides, Benin is so small that, if these kids don’t end up doing exactly what their parents do, they might actually have international opportunities in their lives. …So that’s the first thing getting done. World maps!!!! Yay!!! I’m getting my life running again!!! Yay!!!
So that’s been my epiphany today. I feel like I need some kind of reminder for myself for the next time I start floating again. I once knew a girl who had ‘Carpe Diem’ tattoed on her butt. She would say, “Seize the day!!! Seize the *butt*!!!” … she was a little odd though. Maybe I can just settle for a more sublte approach… but what to do? Any suggestions?
Well, I hope all of you are doing well. You know what, don’t eat a burger or something yummy for me this time… I think I’ll do just fine the way I’m living now. Good luck to you though, and stay well.
Sarah
Monday, March 26, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
The Heat is ON!!!
Okay, imagine this: You go to the gym and you decide that you want to enjoy the sauna for a while, so you go in, sit down, pass your 10-20 minutes in the sweltering heat before you decide to go home… but when you go to open the door you find it’s locked. You’re stuck in the sauna!! What’s more, you then realize a sign on the door that says, “Ticket out: $2,000 USD. $2,000 smackaroos!!! … That is a rough analogy of my life right now. The only difference is that the sun is a constant factor, and I can get cold water from my lovely, beloved refrigerator… but then again I’m stuck in this heat for a good 2 months. It really got started about a weak or two ago… about 2 weaks after the water stopped working. So, now I’m sending out for my water (who knows where it’s coming from… they say all of Boukoumbe will only be able to find water at one well by the end of the dry season.) and suffering from the lack of air-conditioning.
Now, mind you, I’ve never been one to complain about the heat. In fact, back at home I would pride myself in the fact that I enjoyed the heat rather than cursing it… but that was there, with air conditioning and cold and hot water, and cold food if you want it. Here all I have is my fan to comfort me. Luckily I’m in one of the few smaller villages who has constant electricity.
I can’t imagine what I’d be doing without electricity, which is making both my fan and refrigerator opperational. I already feal like I’m going to die… what if there was no ice? I’ve gotten to the point where I fill a 1 gallon ziploc (brought from home) with water, freeze it, and then put it on my stomach and just lay there for the hottest part of the day. It takes about 4 hours to melt, so that usually gets me through till the evening. I honestly think the evening is the warmest part of the day though… It’s like the earth finally reached broiling heat right when the sun starts to set.
There are only a few more solutions I can think of to get me through this: I could, and probably soon will, by a giant basin, fill it with water, put ice cubes in it, and sit in it for a few hours every day. This, of course, increases the amount of water I will be using, but it’s necessary. I could continue my ice pack routine and hope that my blood thins out so that that will get me by. I can take a vacation and go stay in the cheapest hotel I can find that has an air-conditioner for as long as I can. And then I could just grin and bare it and remember that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger… I just hope it doesn’t kill me.
At least the heat does make the mangoes ripen. Yes, yes, it’s finally mango season!!! I don’t know if I’ve told you guys, but there seems to be 3 kinds of trees around here, one I don’t know, teak is the other, and the most prominent are mango trees!! I have 4 of them around my house alone! Right now, big beautiful grafted mangoes are about $0.20USD for each one, and that’s still expensive! They are soooo good!!! I eat about 3 a day… maybe more like 6. Who’s counting??? I have become the cookie monster of mangoes. People are probably starting to think that the ring of smeared yellow pulp around my mouth is natural. I’ve always had a weakness for fresh mangoes. I just never thought I would be surrounded by a plethera of them!!! Yummmm! Also, they offer a variety of culinary options: Mango cake, mango bread, mango oatmeal, mango fritters, mango yogurt, mango juice, and I’m thinking of trying a mango dressing for salads… Who knows how that will turn out.
So, that’s life for me. Things have been looking up again and I’m feeling better. As always bad things seem to happen in groups… but luckily so do good things. Life is definitely a roller coaster, isn’t it? My latest good news?: I’ve kept up my running (yes, even with the heat!) and so I’m getting back to my normal-Sarah size. My business club is going well, and I’ve started figuring out the tricks to make the information I have useful and understandable to a group of unruly teenagers. Also, my neighbor just had her 3rd child the other day, and it is adorable!! I don’t know why, but it just makes me happy to see a fresh and new creature like that. On top of that, my Mama Agness (mispelled it Mama Yness before) is about to finally come home… she’s been gone since the New Year. Last, but not least, I’m just starting to find my free will again. I just finished reading Vonnegut’s Timequake, and thanks to him I’m doing my best to make my life move the way I want it to… and that includes my attitude. Thanks Kurt.
Well, that’s all I have to say. I better put the computer away before the heat of the day kicks in (it’s 10:30am now). To all of you, well, if any of you are left, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you guys are finding your way through this mess of a world better than I have been lately. If you have been then keep up the good work… and give me your secret, while you’re at it. Oh yeah, and eat another burger for me!
Sarah
Now, mind you, I’ve never been one to complain about the heat. In fact, back at home I would pride myself in the fact that I enjoyed the heat rather than cursing it… but that was there, with air conditioning and cold and hot water, and cold food if you want it. Here all I have is my fan to comfort me. Luckily I’m in one of the few smaller villages who has constant electricity.
I can’t imagine what I’d be doing without electricity, which is making both my fan and refrigerator opperational. I already feal like I’m going to die… what if there was no ice? I’ve gotten to the point where I fill a 1 gallon ziploc (brought from home) with water, freeze it, and then put it on my stomach and just lay there for the hottest part of the day. It takes about 4 hours to melt, so that usually gets me through till the evening. I honestly think the evening is the warmest part of the day though… It’s like the earth finally reached broiling heat right when the sun starts to set.
There are only a few more solutions I can think of to get me through this: I could, and probably soon will, by a giant basin, fill it with water, put ice cubes in it, and sit in it for a few hours every day. This, of course, increases the amount of water I will be using, but it’s necessary. I could continue my ice pack routine and hope that my blood thins out so that that will get me by. I can take a vacation and go stay in the cheapest hotel I can find that has an air-conditioner for as long as I can. And then I could just grin and bare it and remember that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger… I just hope it doesn’t kill me.
At least the heat does make the mangoes ripen. Yes, yes, it’s finally mango season!!! I don’t know if I’ve told you guys, but there seems to be 3 kinds of trees around here, one I don’t know, teak is the other, and the most prominent are mango trees!! I have 4 of them around my house alone! Right now, big beautiful grafted mangoes are about $0.20USD for each one, and that’s still expensive! They are soooo good!!! I eat about 3 a day… maybe more like 6. Who’s counting??? I have become the cookie monster of mangoes. People are probably starting to think that the ring of smeared yellow pulp around my mouth is natural. I’ve always had a weakness for fresh mangoes. I just never thought I would be surrounded by a plethera of them!!! Yummmm! Also, they offer a variety of culinary options: Mango cake, mango bread, mango oatmeal, mango fritters, mango yogurt, mango juice, and I’m thinking of trying a mango dressing for salads… Who knows how that will turn out.
So, that’s life for me. Things have been looking up again and I’m feeling better. As always bad things seem to happen in groups… but luckily so do good things. Life is definitely a roller coaster, isn’t it? My latest good news?: I’ve kept up my running (yes, even with the heat!) and so I’m getting back to my normal-Sarah size. My business club is going well, and I’ve started figuring out the tricks to make the information I have useful and understandable to a group of unruly teenagers. Also, my neighbor just had her 3rd child the other day, and it is adorable!! I don’t know why, but it just makes me happy to see a fresh and new creature like that. On top of that, my Mama Agness (mispelled it Mama Yness before) is about to finally come home… she’s been gone since the New Year. Last, but not least, I’m just starting to find my free will again. I just finished reading Vonnegut’s Timequake, and thanks to him I’m doing my best to make my life move the way I want it to… and that includes my attitude. Thanks Kurt.
Well, that’s all I have to say. I better put the computer away before the heat of the day kicks in (it’s 10:30am now). To all of you, well, if any of you are left, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you guys are finding your way through this mess of a world better than I have been lately. If you have been then keep up the good work… and give me your secret, while you’re at it. Oh yeah, and eat another burger for me!
Sarah
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Life: Cest la vie
Hello everyone. I know I haven’t written in a long time, but I have my reasons. For one thing, I’ve just had trouble thinking of something to write about. Everything here just seams so normal to me anymore that I don’t know where to begin. That’s not to say that I’m 100% used to my life here. My other reason for not writing in a while is, well, I’ve kind of been a little down. I guess it’s homesickness, but it could be a multitude of things that have added up lately.
I’ll try not to write much about what’s getting me down, but you might be curious. Well, the biggest thing is the parasites. I managed to get a parasite somewhere along the way, and they have been my companions for about a month now… the parasites I mean. In fact, they found my body so inviting that they have multiplied a few (who knows how many) times, and so now I’ve got a nice, big round belly. I look pregnant. I feel disgustingly huge. To add to this, the Beninese think it’s great when people get fat, so the first thing everyone says is, “Oh Sarah! You’ve gotten fat!!” How comforting. To top it all off, my body wasn’t exactly prepared for all the company that’s moved in, so I’ve been having a good time in the bathroom every few days. It comes and goes. Luckily, the PC doctor recently came to visit, and he gave me some medicine to help my body quick the squatters out. Giardhia, who knew? Apparently I wasn’t cleaning my veggies well enough. Just in case the big belly’s not completely the parasites though, I have started running again.
Second thing that’s probably adding to my glumness is the lack of communication with people. That’s right; good ol’ homesickness. I miss being able to joke with people and talk about anything and not feel awkward, and to just talk to someone familiar. People here just don’t joke in the same way. My sense of humor is rendered useless here. Also, the phone systems seem to be less stable then usual lately, so I haven’t even been getting my occasional calls from the family. I do have local people I can talk to and confide in, but it’s the typical Beninese method of things… like I said, homesickness.
Homesickness is striking in other ways as well though. I miss real food. I miss hamburgers, Arby’s Marketfresh Corn Beef Reuben sandwich… meat in general for that matter… I also really miss chocolate. You just can’t find chocolate here. I can’t tell you how much I crave chocolate. I recently just got my Christmas presents (3 months after they were sent) and someone sent me a box of Godiva chocolates (Thank you Quincy!!!). I left these beautiful delicacies in the workstation refrigerator with my name on them so that no one would eat them and so they wouldn’t melt. I come back a week later only to find them all gone. That really pissed me off and bummed me out. I finally get chocolate and everyone else ate them.
Last, but not least, I’m starting to see the effects of my anti-malaria medicine. This medicine, Lariom, is so powerful that some people go crazy because of it. Other side effects are nightmares, insomnia, depression, paranoia, loss of hair, and other fun things. I’m starting to wonder if it’s time to switch to the less reliable alternative, Doxi-cyclean. I’ve definitely got some of the side effects… it’s disheartening to loose this much hair, and the nightmares usually involve me dying from something only possible in Africa… like snakes…
So, that’s all the stuff that’s I’ve managed to focus on that has made me miserable lately. I would like to state that in past tense though, because I realized today that I have so much to be happy about, and that it’s time to turn things around. It always helps when you realize you’re not quite in focus.
For one thing, I’m in this amazing country leading this completely different life. So what if there’s no chocolate… this is life as I’ve never known before! Yes, it’s sad sometimes. And, yes, it can even be painfully uncomfortable… but I’m not living the monotonous life that I would be back in the States!:
Every morning I get up, I go run, I shower and refill my water jugs, I prepare my breakfast, I read a little or prepare some cookies for all the neighboring kids (Africa is solely made up of children), and then I walk around distributing the cookies and talking with people or working a bit. In the evening I go to my buvette and drink my Coca-Cola and watch the news in French… and I understand it! I go home, prepare dinner and read or sleep. For work, some days I teach classes on business. Some days I have my business club. Other days I get together with people and help them learn to work computers. Lately, I’ve even been making things with some of the local women. I’m teaching one woman how to make cookies, cakes, and breads. She thinks she could sell them here, and I’m excited to help. Another woman and I are starting to make hammocks. If it works out it could become a huge source of income for her, as portable beds are in demand. Also, I’m working with a women’s group where I hope to start a micro-finance institution. They are perfectly set up for it, and I am so excited about it! I really hope it works out, because it would be a huge aid to these 15 women. How can I not be happy and excited with that life?!?! So things aren’t like home… I’ve just got to get over that.
Besides, the world around me is really beautiful. I realized that I also stopped taking pictures of things a month or two ago, and I have no idea why. Today I found two completely beautiful things to take pictures of, and I’m back to searching out the beauty I see. If only you guys could the countryside I run through every morning… the sun rising over the mountains, the wind in my face, the tata sombas scattered across the countryside (two story traditional mud fortresses unique to this local tribe), the old women with big piercings through their lips, the kids who wave at me as I run by… Like I said, it’s nice when you realize you’ve been out of focus for a while.
So, things can only get better from here. I’m getting in shape, I’m eating well, I’m making friends, and I’m doing my best to help out my community. Life is good.
I know this post has been fairly self-centered, but it’s nice to put my thoughts on a page. Thanks for putting up with it.
Sarah
I’ll try not to write much about what’s getting me down, but you might be curious. Well, the biggest thing is the parasites. I managed to get a parasite somewhere along the way, and they have been my companions for about a month now… the parasites I mean. In fact, they found my body so inviting that they have multiplied a few (who knows how many) times, and so now I’ve got a nice, big round belly. I look pregnant. I feel disgustingly huge. To add to this, the Beninese think it’s great when people get fat, so the first thing everyone says is, “Oh Sarah! You’ve gotten fat!!” How comforting. To top it all off, my body wasn’t exactly prepared for all the company that’s moved in, so I’ve been having a good time in the bathroom every few days. It comes and goes. Luckily, the PC doctor recently came to visit, and he gave me some medicine to help my body quick the squatters out. Giardhia, who knew? Apparently I wasn’t cleaning my veggies well enough. Just in case the big belly’s not completely the parasites though, I have started running again.
Second thing that’s probably adding to my glumness is the lack of communication with people. That’s right; good ol’ homesickness. I miss being able to joke with people and talk about anything and not feel awkward, and to just talk to someone familiar. People here just don’t joke in the same way. My sense of humor is rendered useless here. Also, the phone systems seem to be less stable then usual lately, so I haven’t even been getting my occasional calls from the family. I do have local people I can talk to and confide in, but it’s the typical Beninese method of things… like I said, homesickness.
Homesickness is striking in other ways as well though. I miss real food. I miss hamburgers, Arby’s Marketfresh Corn Beef Reuben sandwich… meat in general for that matter… I also really miss chocolate. You just can’t find chocolate here. I can’t tell you how much I crave chocolate. I recently just got my Christmas presents (3 months after they were sent) and someone sent me a box of Godiva chocolates (Thank you Quincy!!!). I left these beautiful delicacies in the workstation refrigerator with my name on them so that no one would eat them and so they wouldn’t melt. I come back a week later only to find them all gone. That really pissed me off and bummed me out. I finally get chocolate and everyone else ate them.
Last, but not least, I’m starting to see the effects of my anti-malaria medicine. This medicine, Lariom, is so powerful that some people go crazy because of it. Other side effects are nightmares, insomnia, depression, paranoia, loss of hair, and other fun things. I’m starting to wonder if it’s time to switch to the less reliable alternative, Doxi-cyclean. I’ve definitely got some of the side effects… it’s disheartening to loose this much hair, and the nightmares usually involve me dying from something only possible in Africa… like snakes…
So, that’s all the stuff that’s I’ve managed to focus on that has made me miserable lately. I would like to state that in past tense though, because I realized today that I have so much to be happy about, and that it’s time to turn things around. It always helps when you realize you’re not quite in focus.
For one thing, I’m in this amazing country leading this completely different life. So what if there’s no chocolate… this is life as I’ve never known before! Yes, it’s sad sometimes. And, yes, it can even be painfully uncomfortable… but I’m not living the monotonous life that I would be back in the States!:
Every morning I get up, I go run, I shower and refill my water jugs, I prepare my breakfast, I read a little or prepare some cookies for all the neighboring kids (Africa is solely made up of children), and then I walk around distributing the cookies and talking with people or working a bit. In the evening I go to my buvette and drink my Coca-Cola and watch the news in French… and I understand it! I go home, prepare dinner and read or sleep. For work, some days I teach classes on business. Some days I have my business club. Other days I get together with people and help them learn to work computers. Lately, I’ve even been making things with some of the local women. I’m teaching one woman how to make cookies, cakes, and breads. She thinks she could sell them here, and I’m excited to help. Another woman and I are starting to make hammocks. If it works out it could become a huge source of income for her, as portable beds are in demand. Also, I’m working with a women’s group where I hope to start a micro-finance institution. They are perfectly set up for it, and I am so excited about it! I really hope it works out, because it would be a huge aid to these 15 women. How can I not be happy and excited with that life?!?! So things aren’t like home… I’ve just got to get over that.
Besides, the world around me is really beautiful. I realized that I also stopped taking pictures of things a month or two ago, and I have no idea why. Today I found two completely beautiful things to take pictures of, and I’m back to searching out the beauty I see. If only you guys could the countryside I run through every morning… the sun rising over the mountains, the wind in my face, the tata sombas scattered across the countryside (two story traditional mud fortresses unique to this local tribe), the old women with big piercings through their lips, the kids who wave at me as I run by… Like I said, it’s nice when you realize you’ve been out of focus for a while.
So, things can only get better from here. I’m getting in shape, I’m eating well, I’m making friends, and I’m doing my best to help out my community. Life is good.
I know this post has been fairly self-centered, but it’s nice to put my thoughts on a page. Thanks for putting up with it.
Sarah
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