Epiphany!!!

I just had the most awesome dream. It was really weird though. I dreamt that I had just finished with high school and that I was still wanting to go to a music conservatory, but that I hadn’t applied to any, mostly because I was scared I wouldn’t get in, and because I was (oddly) with my boyfriend Billy, and he was making the calls on where we were going after high school. Billy was the boyfriend I broke up with at the end of college, so it was kind of a weird dream.
It was crazy though… I was still walking around with my flute all the time, I was still torturing myself by thinking I wasn’t good enough for anything and that I had lost my skill, and I knew what my dreams were but I was too afraid to chase them, so I was leaning on the boyfriend to make my difficult decisions for me.
Honestly, that pretty much sums up how my end-of-high-school experience played out. I didn’t even apply for one music conservatory. I was afraid. I didn’t think I could make it, and even if I could I knew I would end up a poor musician after that, and that scared me to death. I loved music, but I killed any left with all my fears. By the end of my high-school experience it really did seem like I had lost my skill. I sucked. It was mental though… I had told myself so many times that I wasn’t good enough that it had begun to stick.
I find it interesting though that Billy was my boyfriend in my dream. In my dream, after coming home (to my parents old house) after the last day of high-school, year book and flute in hand, I had this conversation with Billy in my parents living room in our old house about which schools he had gotten accepted to. He was telling me that he hadn’t gotten accepted to any that were anywhere near any of the big music schools I wanted to go to. Basically, since I wasn’t strong enough to make up my own mind, he was telling me that I wasn’t going to a conservatory for music. That’s where the dream ended.
I find a lot of meaning in this dream. First of all, I guess I conquered myself in my dreams of being a great musician. I probably could have gone to a conservatory. I might have even enjoyed it. I was too scared though… but it wasn’t Billy that I followed. It was Jason, and yes, that is how I ended up at OSU. Basically, I gave up because I was scared. How sad. I see that now. Realizing this makes me wish I had my flute around.
The thing I find the most meaning in is the fact that, in my dream, Billy was the boy I was following and not Jason. This made me realize something… I didn’t make the same mistake twice. The end of college was much like the end of high-school… I felt lost and didn’t know what to do next. I even had the boyfriend who was more than pushy about making ‘our’ decisions for ‘us’. I could have easily done the same thing all over again… killed my dreams and followed someone else because I was too scared. …And really, I was quite scared… but I knew I wanted to do something with my life. At the beginning of February, 2006 I dumped Billy and started the application for the Peace Corps. Five months later I was in Benin, Africa. I didn’t follow the boy though… I followed a dream. For once in my life, I made a big decision.
This dream also made me realize a lot about my aproach to life: I’m a drifter. I’m so passive that I kind of just drift into the next part of my life. Joining the Peace Corps scared me stiffless… but it was the biggest and best decision I’ve made yet. Besides that though, I’ve done pretty well at drifting. I remind myself of a ride at the local water park back in Oklahoma. There was these ‘ride’ called The Renegades. You climbed all the way to the top of a hill with an intertube, sat in the intertube, then just drifted down by going from one pool to the next by a series of shutes. The shutes are the points where I could make decisions, but instead I just drift down into my next pool where I will swirl around for a while… and not really do anything life changing. The way I see it, joining the Peace Corps was the equivalent of putting my feat down (in the 3 ft deep pool) and walking back up to a different pool that I wanted to be in. The problem now is that I’m back to spinning around in my new pool (which should be ironically shaped like Africa for our analogy), waiting to go down the next shute again. What a waste!!! Maybe it’s time to get busy!!! Maybe it’s time to modify the pool a bit before I put my feet down and choose another, higher, pool. In other words, maybe it’s time to find some good work here in Africa. I want to get some projects started. I’m going to really get going now. I’m energized!!!
Another thing I’ve got to figure out though… what’s the next pool that I want to rebel upwards to? Maybe grad school??? Maybe ivy league, or at least a well known school?? What should I think of studying this time? I accept that my choice of a business degree for my undergrad was my admittance of defeat (in music) and lack of creativity. …I don’t know what to do though… yet. I’m going to find it though, and I’m going to work hard to struggle my way up to that next pool. I’m determined now to live a life worth living.
Another thing my dream has helped me realize: I am bad at being in relationships. Maybe it’s the guys I’ve chosen in the past, or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know and I’m not even going to bother trying to place that blame. But hey, Jason – if you’re reading this – you weren’t anywhere near the worst. Anyway, I realize now that I rely on relationships to much when I’m in them. Therefore, I’m abstaining from relationships for a long time. I don’t need one in any form until I’m done making my life-molding decisions. It’s better that way anyway. Instead of molding around a relationship I will mold around myslef, and then when I’m done I can choose a guy and confidently know that I’m who I want to be.
So! Todays a new day! What do I want to get started with first! I think I’ll start painting some world maps on the sides of school buildings this April. You wouldn’t believe how little people know of world geography… it’s just not really taught here. How can kids dream the world over if they don’t know what it looks like??? … Besides, Benin is so small that, if these kids don’t end up doing exactly what their parents do, they might actually have international opportunities in their lives. …So that’s the first thing getting done. World maps!!!! Yay!!! I’m getting my life running again!!! Yay!!!
So that’s been my epiphany today. I feel like I need some kind of reminder for myself for the next time I start floating again. I once knew a girl who had ‘Carpe Diem’ tattoed on her butt. She would say, “Seize the day!!! Seize the *butt*!!!” … she was a little odd though. Maybe I can just settle for a more sublte approach… but what to do? Any suggestions?
Well, I hope all of you are doing well. You know what, don’t eat a burger or something yummy for me this time… I think I’ll do just fine the way I’m living now. Good luck to you though, and stay well.

Sarah